What’s the difference between anonymity and secrecy?

May 21, 2013

For those of you haven’t heard of David Sheff, he wrote a best selling memoir about his addicted son ‘Beautiful Boy.’
He has just written a follow-up ‘Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America’s Greatest Tragedy,’ which explores the addiction treatment system and everything related to it.
He makes some really good points, some I agree with, some I don’t.
One of the most interesting things he discusses is that addicts and alcoholics should come ‘out’ about their past in order to spread awareness and break down barriers. Fear and shame prevents people talking about personal experience with addiction. Families really struggle dealing with the addict in their family because they don’t want anyone to find out. Sheff is advocating that more people are public with their experience of addiction.
For the record, I totally agree with this. However, I don’t agree with breaking the tradition of anonymity in the 12-step fellowships but I think that these can be two separate things.
I am completely open in all areas of my life that I am a recovered alcoholic. It’s just part of who I am. When you have worked as an addictions therapist it’s pretty hard to hide as the question you are most often asked is ‘how did you get into that?’
I am not ashamed or embarrassed, just very matter of fact. Because of this, I inevitably have people ask me for help or advice when they realise they have a problem or love someone who does. If I can help I do, I tell them there is hope.

My alcoholism is not a secret, it made me who I am an I am proud of what I have become.
I won’t lie, I sometimes enjoy watching people’s shocked faces when I tell them I spent most of my twenties drinking too much and snorting drugs. I can tell by their faces they don’t think I look the ‘type.’
And that’s the point.
Addicts and alcoholics can look like me, they can look like anyone. It can happen to anyone.
I used to think that alcoholics were ‘smelly old men on benches’ and because I hadn’t lost my job or got a DUI I wasn’t ‘qualified.’ I think a lot of people think like that and could get help a lot earlier if they had more information.
You can read the interview here.
What does everyone else think?

Would you date a convicted felon?

May 17, 2013

by Veronica Valli

2 Replies

Your immediate answer is probably no.

But I would invite you to think again after reading this because I want to tell you about my friend Sophie.
Sophie is a recovered addict and alcoholic and has been sober for 4 years.
She is:
- Beautiful
- Kind
- Thoughtful
- Intelligent
- Curious
- Fearless
- Brave
- Strong
and funny
She is also:
- a single mother of a straight A student
- a beloved daughter
- a valued colleague
- an active member of her church
- respected in her community
- appreciated neighbor
- a wonderful friend
and a convicted felon.

Sophie is the kind of person, that if you met her, you would never in a million years believe that she had been a drug addict. She is just so ‘together’. There is no one, less likely than her of committing a crime, and yet in active addiction she did.
Her addiction took her to place she thought she would never go.
Sophie accepts the consequences of her crime and understands why she was convicted for drug procession. She is sad, but not angry and very grateful to be clean and sober with a chance at rebuilding her life.
Having a conviction caused her to loose a career she loved and yet despite this she has rebuilt her life and found something else that she is good at. She now has the privilege of working with teenagers who have their own drug and alcohol problems. They listen and respect her because they sense she knows what she’s talking about.

I also need to mention she’s single* and at a point in her life where she would like to date. She tried on-line dating and enjoyed a couple of dates. Then she met someone she had some chemistry with and felt hopeful something could work out.

Then he told her he had run a background check on her.

He told her he wasn’t sure if he could continue to date someone with a criminal history. Someone who had been involved with drugs.
As Sophie is now a woman of dignity, she was able to tell him that she felt her privacy had been invaded and she no longer wished to see him.
Of course she was upset and hurt, she had been judged before he had got a chance to know the real her.

I’ve known her for 3 years and I trust her completely. It seems incredible to me that this man was small minded enough to judge her on a terrible mistake she made in her past.
For someone who has never had any experience of addiction I can understand why he would be alarmed. However, he had been out with Sophie a few times and he would have seen she clearly was no longer using any substances. If he had given her time she would have told him her story. How she used drugs and alcohol to cope with her past, to deal with feelings she couldn’t manage. That this lead her to do things she would never dream of, if she had been in her ‘right mind.’
She would have told him that one day she had a moment of clarity and desperation and made a decision to get help. That she has now been clean and sober for 4 years and her life has been transformed.
She would have told him about the disease of addiction and how she over came it and her sobriety is dependent on rigorous honesty.
Had he given her a chance, he would have realised that this was someone he could trust, who had integrity, who was fearlessly honest. Someone who was worthy of love, respect and friendship.
But he didn’t give her a chance.
He made a decision based on a snap judgement.
That poor guy.
He really, really missed out, because Sophie is sensational and when the right guy comes along and wins her heart. Boy, are they going to be lucky.

She is going to make a fabulous and wonderful girlfriend or wife someday. They will appreciate her journey, they will know that it takes enormous courage to overcome what she has and still be able to laugh and dance and sing. To be able to embrace everyday with joy and take every opportunity for happiness that comes her way.
And they will be very grateful she is theirs.

So I don’t want to ask you if you would date a convicted felon, your answer may still be no or maybe this post has made you see things differently. What I really want to ask you is; do you judge people on one thing from their past and who have you missed out on because you didn’t see the full picture?

*If you are an eligible bachelor (over 40), whose is intelligent, fun and non-judgemental, who enjoys life, has a positive attitude, good sense of humour, a job and their own teeth. Personal message me through Facebook and I might, just might introduce you to Sophie.

How alcoholism effects the people we love.

May 15, 2013

by Veronica Valli

2 Replies

One of the reasons I wanted to write my book ‘Why you drink and how to stop: A journey to freedom’ was because alcoholism can be such a difficult disease to understand.
Particularly for the loved ones of an alcoholic.

I wanted to write something that would help these people understand how an alcoholic thinks and why they behave the way they do. So they could see it wasn’t a question of will power or confidence. That alcoholics drank because of they can’t cope with how they feel.
We all know alcoholics and addicts suffer but what I feel is under reported is how much their loved ones suffer too. I think the feelings of these loved ones have been sidelined for too long.
Which is why I’m pleased the Guardian is starting what looks like a great weekly column from the perspective of the wife of an alcoholic.

I’ve counselled many families who have spent years watching someone they love self destruct finally get some hope when the alcoholic finally goes to rehab or AA.
Of course, they think that everything is going to be alright now, especially after spending a month in rehab. They think their loved one is going to come out the other side just how they remember them, back in the old days.
They are usually shocked and upset to discover that this isn’t the case.
That rehab or a few AA meetings is just the start and the real hard work is about to start. They may also be shocked to find out the problem was never alcohol in the first place and even now the loved one isn’t drinking, things are still not ok. That recovery is about the sober alcoholic learning a better way to manage their emotional life and that can take a while.
It’s time loved ones had more of a voice.

Recovery Rocks – Mark Hardwicke

May 13, 2013

by Veronica Valli

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This weeks interview is with Mark Hardwicke who has been sober for 8 years. His story is truly extraordinary, a homeless, desperate drunk who got sober and now runs his own business.

1) Describe your ‘rock bottom.’

Although there had been a number of mini-rock bottoms during my life, the rock bottom that finally brought me to my knees came the day before my sobriety birthday. Although I was about 9 stone (126 pounds) and was in the worse physical shape of my life, having existed on the street for the preceding 2 years, it was what was happening in my mind that finally got me.

I am an intelligent person and so I know that people who drank like I drank do not die quietly in their sleep at 80 years old surrounded by the grandkids. People who drank like I drank go out sad, lonely, painfully and early.

I was so scared to death of dying that I knew I had to stop drinking. The problem was that in the same moment and the same though I was also so scared to death of living without alcohol that I knew I could not stop drinking.

This was a tortuous mental crossroads the likes of which I had never experienced.

2) What was your ‘moment of truth’ or ‘clarity’ that prompted you to get sober/clean?’

It was the realization that the tortuous mental crossroads in my head left me with no more options. I could not go on and I could not go back. I was done. I no longer had the power to fight. The ability to lie to myself and those around me. I no longer believed I was ‘fine’. I just gave up. I was beaten in to a state of reasonableness. I just cried.

3) What were your first 30 days of recovery like?

The first 30 days of my sobriety were a blur. I met some amazing people who offered me so much unconditional love and support that it was somewhat overwhelming.

4) What are the best things that have happened to you since you got clean/sober?

Being restored to sanity and being introduced to a power greater than me that enable me to handle absolutely anything that life throws at me irrespective of what it is. There is nothing that can happen in my life today that God and I can’t deal with together.

The stand out thing that has happened since being clean and sober is to have been present to see my wonderful son William James born on the 4th of August 2011. Nothing could have prepared me for how magical that moment was going to be and for just how much love it is possible to feel for someone else.

5) If you could go back in time to you when you were dinking/using what would you tell yourself?

I would not tell myself to stop drinking or point our the error of my ways. Because I would not listen to the future me any more then I listened to those around me who gave their opinions and advice. I was only ever going to stop when I had reach my rock bottom and so the most helpful thing that I could have said to myself was “Drink more, drink faster, use more and get to your rock bottom quicker”.

6) What have been the most useful things you have learnt about yourself since getting sober/clean?

I am now and always have been a worthwhile human being. I have never been a bad person just a sick person. I am decent, genuine, kind, generous and loving. I sometimes allow myself to be taken advantage of and so there are parts of me that still need work. I am perfectly imperfect and am completely fine with that.

7) What are your favorite recovery slogans?

To be honest I am not really a big fan of slogans. It is just a personal thing. The one phrase that I keep in my is “to the precise extent that we permit it….” I find that I can fit to so many areas of my life and it makes me responsible for anything that happens in my life and not other people.

8) And lastly, why does ‘recovery rock?’

Recovery is the foundation upon which every other aspect of my life has been built. I have a wonderful life today. It is vastly different from the life that I thought that I was going to have, but I would not swap it for anything.

In addition to this I am blessed to observe and take part in seeing other people come in to recovery as broken as I was and then over time watch as the light returns to their eyes, the color to their skin and the smiles to their faces.

Michael Jackson and drug addiction

May 10, 2013

by Veronica Valli

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There seems to be no end to the bizarre revelations of Michael Jackson’s life. One thing that does seem clear is that he was most definitely a drug addict. A dangerous addict who had unlimited resources and no one around him willing to say ‘no.’ His addiction was so powerful and his celebrity so blinding, that he was able to hire professional doctors who administered what ever he needed under the guise of medical treatment.
Unfortunately with addicts and alcoholics who do have vast resources (money) it also steals their consequences from them. Without consequences the addict isn’t motivated to change.
For those of you following the tragic tale, there are some interesting stories here.

Does alcohol assumption make you mad?

May 9, 2013

by Veronica Valli

2 Replies

I am a recovered alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink for over 13 years, and last night I ingested alcohol.
It was accidental. It was in a dessert and as soon as I realized, I stopped eating it. But it’s really, really p****d me off.
Because I was a victim of alcohol assumption.

I was at a student event with my husband. Where there were a mixture of graduate and undergraduates as well as many students from different cultures including Muslims and Mormons.
Both of which we happened to be sharing a table with.
Both of which do not drink alcohol because of their religion.
Because it was a student event, there was no bar; only soft drinks were being served. Which is why I probably felt this was a safe event. As many attendees were under 21, I assumed it was an alcohol free event.
I was wrong.
For convenience’s sake, the dessert was already on the table. An innocent looking glass filled cream and some kind of biscuit.
I finished my first course and dug straight into the dessert.

At the first bite I paused.
There was a familiar smell and taste. ‘Kinda like alcohol,’ my brain thought. No, it couldn’t be, I rationalized, there are undergraduates here, they wouldn’t serve alcohol to them, even in dessert.
So I took another bite and felt that sting again.
Then I stopped. It had alcohol in it. I was sure.
I stopped a waiter and asked, they had no idea but said they would check.
Inside I was fuming.
There seem to be labels now for every kind of food preference; gluten free, dairy free, may contain nuts, contains soy the list goes on. So why, with all these ingredients that could either harm someone or cause some unpleasant symptoms, do we assume it’s ok to serve raw alcohol without warning people?

Sure enough, the waiter came back and said the dessert was Tiramisu and yes it did have alcohol in it.
The dessert was really small and there could only have been a tiny amount in it, certainly not enough to get drunk or even remotely tipsy on.
But still, something inside of me stirred.
You see, as a recovered alcoholic I have a sleeping demon inside of me. It’s actually in hibernation in a deep, deep sleep. It’s not dead and it doesn’t trouble me. I don’t even know it’s there, except when something happens to stir it and then I remember.
Like the sting of alcohol on my tongue causes my demon to growl in its sleep. And then I remember this demon inside of me and how it can be awoken.
Which is why I get so mad when I’m a victim of alcohol assumption.
Let me be clear. I do not care if you use alcohol, you could bathe in it for all I care. Just don’t assume that I do.
Please also don’t assume it is something harmless either.
Because for some people it isn’t, for some people it is lethal.
If you had almost died from needing alcohol so much. Had crawled out of a black hole of misery staying away from a drink one minute at a time, whilst you slowly got your sanity and self esteem back. If you had learnt that you suffer from an allergy to alcohol, that you have an abnormal reaction to it, that once ingested your body craves more and more and you have no choice when it stops.
Trust me, you would be mad too if you ate something only to discover it had alcohol in it.

Thankfully, apart from being furious nothing happened. My demon went back into hibernation. The brief taste of alcohol on my tongue wasn’t enough to awaken it. I went home, put my son to bed and watched a movie with my husband.
No harm done.
This time.
So I’d just like you all to think about alcohol assumption next time you serve it uncooked in dessert, or add it to a punch without letting people know. It’s easy for someone who doesn’t drink for religious reasons to tell you why they don’t drink alcohol.
It’s not so easy for an alcoholic.

Recovery Rocks – Jillanna D. Mercer

May 6, 2013

by Veronica Valli

2 Replies

This weeks ‘Recovery Rocks’ interview is with the fabulous Jillanna D. Mercer (38). She manages to be a mother of three children while working as a hair stylist at Wingard Salon in Champaign Illinois.
One of the first things you notice about Jillanna is the word ‘Sober’ tattoed boldly on her arm.
She’s serious about recovery.
Her life is full with her family and career, the only helping hand she requires now is some good coffee.

Her interview is breathtakingly honest, Jillanna has been fearless in describing how low her addiction took her. She lays bare the reality of being a young mother in addiction and how close she came to loosing her children. Thankfully she turned herself around.
If you are a mother struggling with addiction or you know someone who is. Then you need to read this.
Sobriety date: 08/10/09

https://www.facebook.com/jillanna.d.mercer
http://wingardsalon.com/stylists/jillanna-mercer/

Recovery Rocks Interview

1) Describe your ‘rock bottom.’
(Deep Breath)
I remember the exact moment I hit rock bottom. I can describe the room I was in, the time of day, and what I was wearing. I was 7 months pregnant and in a state run rehab. I had no money, no job, no car, no friends or family willing to talk to me. I was homeless. I had lost my rights to my oldest son and hadn’t seen or talked to him in months.
I was pretty sure I was going to lose the rights to my unborn child. I had been in the rehab a few days and had gotten to know some of the women. Most were either coming from jail or going to jail. None of them had any relationship with their kids. A lot of them had drug and alcohol related illnesses, like hepatitis and HIV.
All the women looked rough. Hardened.
Some didn’t even have their teeth. I looked around and saw what my peer group had become. I could not continue down this path any longer. I knew I had to stop and not ever, ever, ever use again.

2) What was your ‘moment of truth’ or ‘clarity’ that prompted you to get sober/clean?

I had spent my few days there also reading recovery literature. I recognized that a power greater than myself was necessary to make any permanent change. But I did not have a clear understanding of how to do this. I found a woman who had struck me as somewhat spiritual. I asked her to pray with me. We went into a small unused office and she prayed for me. We both cried a little. I can’t really tell you what words she used but it was a plea for help. I felt an indescribable peace come over me. I believe this was my ‘spiritual awakening’. Since that moment I have found the strength to overcome any urges I may have to drink or drug.

3) What were your first 30 days of recovery like?
Honestly, they were pretty rough. No one trusted me. No one believed I could stay sober. No one could appreciate the changes I could feel inside that this time was different. My biggest struggle was my pregnancy. There was a very real fear that DCFS would take my child. I was honest with my doctors and was preparing myself for the worst. No one around me could really get excited about the baby because they too knew she could be taken into foster care and they were concerned I would not stay sober if that happened. I kept to myself. I did a lot of recovery reading. I prayed a lot.

4) What are the best things that have happened to you since you got clean/sober?
There are so many!
The very best thing is I am a get to be a wonderful Mom. My relationship with my first child has been restored. The first year I was sober, I was not allowed to see him. But I could call. I called every night. Gradually I was allowed short visits and now I have just as much time as any other divorced parent. My second child, the one I was pregnant with when I got sober, was not ever involved with DCFS. She is happy and healthy. I also have a third child. I absolutely love being a mom to my kids.

I also went back to school to get my cosmetology license. I now am a self-employed hair stylist.

Finally my relationships with my friends and family have been restored. I am now trusted and appreciated.

5) If you could go back in time to you when you were dinking/using what would you tell yourself?
My first rehab was in 2007. I could stay sober for 3 months or maybe even 6 months but then I would relapse. I would be triggered by something and then start obsessing about the drugs. I felt I HAD to use. I did not feel I had a choice.
Now I know that those feelings of wanting to use will pass. Before I thought I would be struggling with them forever. I never realized how quickly the intensity of wanting to use can go away. The same is true for how mad I get at someone or how sad I feel or how hopeless a situation seems. This too shall pass. Without a doubt it is the most valuable tool I learned.

6) What have been the most useful things you have learnt about yourself since getting sober/clean?
It is amazing to me how much easier my life got once I stopped self-destructing. Just by doing the right things, I eliminated a ton of stress. No more worrying about hurting people I care about, or going to jail. No worries about losing my job or my boyfriend finding out I cheated on him. No hangover headaches or overdrawn bank accounts.

I have learned that my life is pretty simple. There is very little I can actually control. If I make the very best decisions I can and have some faith in God, everything works out.

7) What are your favourite recovery slogans?
One day at a time. This too shall pass.

8) And lastly, why does ‘recovery rock?’
Today I live a life I never thought possible. My whole life I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I was filled with depression and sadness. Those feelings led me to drink and drug and that led to utter chaos. There are days I am still in shock that I am sober.
I am totally amazed that I can be so happy. Not that I don’t have problems or struggles, but I feel I have been giving the tools to live my life. The best part is that I know my feelings are genuine. Happy or sad, they are mine. And that totally rocks!

If you are clean and sober and would like to take part in a Recovery Rocks interview, please message me through my Facebook page. I would love to include you!

I’ve been sober longer than I drank for.

May 2, 2013

by Veronica Valli

1 Reply

Me at 15

Me at 40

Today is my birthday.
I’m 13 years sober. It’s a big deal for me because I’ve now been sober longer than I actually drank for.
I drank from the ages of 15 to 27.
That might seem weird, that if it’s been that long then surely the problem has gone away.
Unfortunately not. Because as an alcoholic my drinking was only actually a symptom, it wasn’t the real problem.
The problem was deep in my soul, I was dying on the inside and alcohol just relieved the pain.
When I stopped drinking I had to heal my soul and learn how to live as my problem has always been living not drinking.
I found tools, I got help, I worked hard and I found freedom. It hasn’t always been easy but there was no other way for me. What drinking taught me was that I didn’t want to die, that I wanted to live. I just didn’t know how.
Sobriety has been the biggest and most rewarding adventure I could possibly imagine. It has been more fun, more exciting, more fulfilling, more rewarding, more, well just more…
And I wouldn’t change a thing, not even the drinking and the horror that came with it. Because without that I wouldn’t have this, and this is better than anything I could ever have imagined.

Does food addiction exist?

May 1, 2013

by Veronica Valli

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There was a very interesting program about food addiction on BBC Radio 4 today. New research is revealing some very interesting stuff about brain chemistry and how this effects addictive behaviour. The most compelling testimony though is from two food addicts who describe the misery of their addiction. The way they describe their experience is no different from an alcohol or addict. After many attempts to get help they both found Overeaters Anonymous helped them the most.
An interesting listen for anyone dealing with food issues and/or addiction.
The link to the programme is here.

Are you frightened too?

April 26, 2013

by Veronica Valli

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I believe fear is the engine of alcoholism.
At the root of every drinker is a cold dark fear that they have spent their lives running away from.
Alcohol numbs fear. It dismisses it, it evaporates with a couple of drinks and that nice warm glow takes over. All is well.

But what about fear and sobriety?
When there is nowhere left to run too?
When the only choice left is to face those fears that have dominated your life.

Because alcohol is just a symptom, managing fear is the biggest challenge I see in most sober people. When we get sober we still have all those feelings and emotions they used alcohol to mask.
But now there is no anesthetic.
Every alcoholic or addict reaches the point where they realize that they can’t go back, but to go forward means facing fears that terrify them.
I know, because I had to do it.
I was often paralyzed with fear; I could barely breath because of the terror in my heart.
But I did. I found help and met some kind souls who walked with me through my fears, and here’s what I discovered………

Most of my fears were actually delusions. They weren’t real.
I’m serious. When I finally looked closely and deconstructed them; I saw they had no substance.
It seems crazy now, but at the time I really believed them. I acted as if they were true. I never questioned them or where they came from I just thought they were real.
Here are some of the fears that I believed that turned out to be nothing:

- Frightened people didn’t like me
- Frightened I wasn’t lovable
- Frightened people would see I wasn’t good enough
- Frightened I would be alone because of all of the above

I have since discovered that these fears are really common, that actually most people suffer them from time to time. That people use lots of methods to manage their fearful feelings and that I wasn’t alone.
Now I look back and they seem almost laughable. I don’t believe any of these fears that used to dominate my life. I’m free of them and the control they had.
When I had this awakening I then realized that the thought of facing these fears was actually far worse than the reality. It was just like when Dorothy discovered the real Wizard of Oz had no substance at all.
To be human, means we have to manage the human condition and part of that is managing our fear.

When I was able to admit I was an alcoholic, it wasn’t too big a jump to admit my fears either. It was the first time I had been truly honest about how I felt and it was transformational.
Just sharing how I really felt, deep down inside, with someone who was really listening was the start of my fears receding and my life changing.
I wanted to blog about this because I still feel it’s a subject no one talks about, even in recovery. But to truly claim the happiness and peace that recovery promises we have to start with talking about why we’re frightened.

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