Coby got sober when he was 22, which means he was barely over the legal drinking age (in the US) before he had had enough. Like many alcoholics, he thought he had a mental health problem before finally facing up to the fact that he was an alcoholic and stopped drinking. However he didn’t get any help and had a pretty miserable time ‘dry’ before he finally realised that there was more to recovery than just putting down the drink… Now he is back in school and studying for his Bachelor’s degree in Psychology whilst working at the Salvation Army. He loves music (is a wanna-be rock star!) theatre and avid gamer. Basically just a walking, talking miracle….

1) Describe your ‘rock bottom.’
I was at a pool party that one of my college friends had every year. I brought my own beer, 5 beers. I told myself that was all I would drink that night. Then a couple of other friends brought in a cooler filled with Kool-Aid and God only knows how many different types of liquor mixed into it. I only felt slightly buzzed and I figured one small cup of that mixture wouldn’t hurt. That one turned into…I actually don’t remember how many.

I staggered drunkenly into their kitchen where my best friend and her mother were talking. I was so drunk I crashed into their kitchen table; giving me a terrible scrape on my side (the table was fine). Apparently, I had then puked in the bathroom and made a terrible mess. My friend and her mother, whom I had both come to love and care for were so upset with me that they told me I was not welcome in their house any longer, and a friendship that had grown over 4 years was seemingly over. I drank alone for 3 months after that. After being carried out of a pub after blacking out and puking in the corner, I woke up the next day with people explaining to me what had happened. It was then I felt I had finally lost control of myself around alcohol. Even with that realization, I still had thought it a matter of mental health and went on to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. I was fortunate enough to meet a very smart doctor who prescribed me an antidepressant that she said would give me seizures if I consumed alcohol while taking it. I had resolved to prove everyone wrong and show them that I didn’t need booze and that I wasn’t an alcoholic. So began my miserable dry time.

2) What was your ‘moment of truth’ or ‘clarity’ that prompted you to get sober/clean?’
Depression/anxiety and drinking had formed and endless cycle for me in college and after I withdrew from school, I stayed with my parents briefly. I quickly burnt that bridge after I had been dry 6 months. I saw no future for myself, and without alcohol that was an impossibly hard thing to accept.

Strangely enough, my “moment” happened long after my last drink. Although I had been dry 10 months my thinking and behavior had not changed at all. This made me and everyone around me miserable. I was so caught up with my selfish desire to live a certain way that I drove everyone who ever cared about me out of my life. I thought they were the problem and now that I was on my own with nobody telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my life, nothing could get in the way of what I wanted.

The truth was that I didn’t know how to live life without booze, so I reacted to life with anger and rage, when really it was me that I was angry at. My emotions were so strong that I felt on edge all the time and ready to pick fights with whoever and whatever came my way. During one of these tantrums I punched my own laptop, cracking the screen. At that moment, I did not like who I was, I did not recognize the person I had become. I was alone and nothing I had tried to do made me feel any better. I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed help.

3) What were your first 30 days of recovery like?
I was more scared than I think I’ve ever been. I felt like having fun was over, now its time to be a boring adult! I was only 24 at the time (23 when I went dry) and I thought it quite impossible to be that age and not drink, because so many of my peers did. I didn’t realize that maybe I needed to surround myself with different people. Inevitably, I gained new friends in recovery, the “drinking buddies” slipped away, and my true friends supported me, and I felt very lucky to have that. I also felt very lost and desperately sought direction because my way of doing things wasn’t working.

4) What are the best things that have happened to you since you got clean/sober?
I was able to go back to school and I’m nearly finished with my degree in psychology. I was able to enter into a healthy relationship with a woman for the first time in my life. I was also able to have that end and not have to drink about it! I have recently been able to change jobs from something that made me pretty unhappy to a job that allows me to be of service to other people. Some of these people even have a problem with drinking, like I did. It pays quite a bit less, but the peace of mind is priceless! I think the best thing I’ve gotten out of this process is awareness of my condition and being accountable for my mistakes, while acknowledging the successes.

5) If you could go back in time to you when you were dinking/using what would you tell yourself?
I would probably ask me if I’d like another drink. I really don’t think I would dare change the path that I walked because if one of those things didn’t happen to me the way it did, I may not have ever sought help. I would probably be dead or wish I were.

6) What have been the most useful things you have learnt about yourself since getting sober/clean?
That I’ll never be perfect, and that’s ok. Having bad feelings sometimes is better than running from all feelings all the time. If I’m honest about my motives I can usually head off trouble long before it happens. Even when I make mistakes, I’m not a terrible person and there are people who love me, and I can now love them in return for the right reasons.

7) What are your favourite recovery slogans?
This too, shall pass.

8) And lastly, why does ‘recovery rock?’
I’ve had more fun sober than I ever did drunk, and I can remember it all! That’s a plus. If I knew so much could be gained from not drinking and learning how to live life without it…and be happy…? I would have done it so much sooner in my life. When I first quit drinking I felt my “fun” life was over, but in reality it had only just begun!

Setting boundaries

It’s probably true in many cases that were it not for the love and support of families, many alcoholics and addicts would be dead today. There is a point however, when the balance tips towards enabling rather than helping.
As family members we do what we feel is right, though often we sense that in trying to help, we only make matters worse. It is so painful watching a loved one suffer that we are prepared to do almost anything to relieve their pain. In doing so we may inadvertently prolong the suffering for everyone.

In order to really help the person we love we may need to make some changes in how we are dealing with the problem, remember your loved one isn’t wrong or bad. They are ill; they are unable to comprehend fully what they are doing or the consequences of their behaviour. You can help support them by learning a different approach to dealing with the problem.

Keeping boundaries
Boundaries are vital in all relationships; they protect us and other people. We are responsible for putting down our boundaries and protecting them. People will naturally push against them but it is our job to keep them.

Boundaries are the ‘line in the sand’ that we use to decide what is unacceptable or acceptable for us. When dealing with a person we love who is in active alcoholism we often move our ‘goalposts’ or ‘line in the sand’ and will do things we don’t want to do because we think it’ll help the other person.

However what usually happens is we end up angry or resentful because they have hurt us again.
Keeping your boundaries means not agreeing to do something that feels uncomfortable or ‘wrong’ to you no matter how hard the other person is trying to persuade you.

A good example of this would be calling in sick for your loved one when they are too hung over to go to work (again). By doing this you would be violating your own boundaries and values and would inevitably feel resentful for being put in this position. But you would probably feel you were helping your loved one by doing it, which is how you justify it to yourself, and hence the ‘goalposts’ get moved.

In reality you are taking the consequences away from the alcoholic. If they are left to deal with the consequences of their actions then they may find the motivation to get the help they need.

Be consistent
Make your feelings clear as simply as you can to your loved one, let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. Try to do this without anger or resentment (hard I know) but consistently let them know that you felt hurt, confused, let down by their behaviour.
Be consistent in letting them know that you love them but that their behaviour affects you so badly that it is difficult for you to continue your relationship with them whilst they are still drinking.
Communicating how you feel is much more effective than being angry or resentful.
e.g. “I feel hurt and disappointed when you behave like you did last night, I love you but your behaviour is unacceptable to me, I’d like you to get help”
Repeat this message consistently.

Putting down boundaries with an alcoholic is going to be a case of trial and error. What’s important is you start practicing them. The alcoholic in your life will keep taking as long as you keep giving. Strange as it sounds, loving yourself may be the first step in them realising there is a problem. If you stop saving them, they may wake up to the fact that they have to save themselves. You have probably learnt by now that you can’t stop someone drinking, they have to make the decision themselves. Having boundaries and therefore allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions, may actually save their lives.

Next week: How to take care of yourself.

If you missed the first part of this series you can read it here.

Guidelines for family members
I’m often approached by people who have a loved one who has a serious alcohol problem. They are in despair and don’t know what to do.
Living with the consequences of someone else’s addiction or alcoholism can be devastating.
Standing on the sidelines watching someone you love destroy themselves and you are powerless to stop it. You can feel alone, isolated, frightened, angry, bitter, ashamed and hopeless with no idea what to do next.

I’m starting a series of posts on ‘how to deal with a loved one’s drinking,’ that I hope will help you understand and find strategies to deal with the situation. There is actually a lot you can do, what’s important is understanding what helps and what harms.

Please be reassured that you are not alone that many people have experienced what you are going through as alcoholism can touch anyone regardless of circumstances. What is important is that you don’t go through this alone and access help and support wherever possible.

Addiction/alcoholism is a disease not a life-style
Alcoholism is an disease. This is hard to understand because it doesn’t seem like one. Alcoholism has bee recognised by medical professionals and researcher as a primary, progressive, chronic and sometimes fatal disease. It’s true that nobody held forced the drink or pills down anyones throats, people choose to use alcohol and drugs. but if you have a predisposition to alcoholism or addiction the likelihood is you won’t be able to control or stop your use.

Why it happens to some people and not others is still unclear. The most helpful way to view alcoholism/addiction is that it is a symptom of a deeper emotional and spiritual problem.

Human beings are very complex and some people are just born better equipped to deal with life and their feelings, other people struggle with living life and use substances or unhealthy behaviour to cope.

All human behaviour is ultimately a manifestation of how someone feels.

So to put this in context of your loved one, their behaviour may have been outrageous, annoying, inconsiderate, hurtful, stupid or unmanageable but the reason that they behaved in any of these ways was because of how they felt at any given moment. Their behaviour was the best way they had at that time to deal with how they felt. Often they felt so bad that they were just anesthetising their feelings because they couldn’t bare it any longer.
So your loved one isn’t a bad person they are simply a sick person who needs help. It isn’t their fault they became an alcoholic or addict but it is their responsibility they do something about it.

So the most important thing to do is educate yourself about the disease. Once you understand what you’re dealing with, then you can begin to do something about it.

Here are some resources that might help:

www.al-anon.alateen.org Al-anon is a self help organisation dedicated to helping the loved ones of alcoholics.

http://www.coda.org Coda focuses on helping people develop healthy relationships.

Alternatively you could contact a local treatment centre or rehab and see if they run a family program. Sometimes it’s the family member that seeking help first that prompts the alcoholic to do the same.

Next week: How boundaries will save your sanity, and help the alcoholic understand how their drinking impacts others.