Tag Archives: Dating

The Relationship Myth: Part 1

One of my Facebook friends sent me a hilarious advert that she had seen in the Huffington Post.
It described a sober women looking for her ideal partner and then goes on to describe an abusive alcoholic lunatic.

Screen Shot 2013-08-07 at 19.41.28

So funny and so true.
I can’t be the only one who looks back on my past relationships with absolute horror. I mean what was I thinking?
I know I’m not alone here.
Alcoholics do not have the monopoly on unhealthy relationships, they are challenging for a lot of people.
It’s just adding alcohol into the mix causes them to be so much worse.
My Facebook friend asked me to do a post on codependency. I’m going to do a bunch of posts on relationships and codependency but in the meantime here is an extract from my forthcoming book: ‘Why we drink and How to stop: Journey to freedom.’ has two chapters dedicated to relationships.

Image courtesy of pat138241 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of pat138241 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We have to love ourselves first. That is our responsibility, not someone else’s. All other healthy, mature love follows. By developing an understanding of our relationship patterns we can discover how healthy relationships work.

A successful, happy, loving, committed, passionate, exciting, dynamic relationship is possibly the hardest thing you will ever do.
When I met my husband, he asked me on our first date if I could name five relationships that I envied.
I could only name two.
I could name dozens of relationships, but ones I actually envied?
Who had something I wanted? Now that was hard.
I’m not sure why that is. Is it because it’s just not possible to have a successful, happy, loving, committed, passionate, exciting, dynamic relationship these days?
Is it perhaps too much to ask?

Or, are people just settling for second best; compromising, entering and maintaining relationships based on fear of loneliness?

I’m not sure I have all the answers, but I do know relationships are the hardest thing to do and I see that in everyone I know. Having a relationship, finding a relationship, losing a relationship, are the main topics of conversation for a lot of people.
Sometimes the need for a relationship, and what we perceive it can offer us, means we stay in relationships that aren’t good for us.

I could write a whole book on unhealthy relationships. I’ve had so many of them! After a lot of personal therapy and a lot of work on myself I finally became capable of healthy commitment.
Relationships don’t come easily to a lot of people, but it’s even harder for people who drink. Add some alcohol abuse to a relationship and stand back and wait for the explosion.
All of my relationships whilst drinking were complete and utter disasters. In hindsight, all of my relationships were based on my misguided belief that the right person would fix me.

If I had the right relationship, the right man, then everything would be perfect.

I was still focusing on external fixes at this point and it really didn’t cross my mind that I was an insecure, manipulative, dishonest, frightened, needy, shallow, unmanageable, screwed-up mess, and that no right minded, decent, emotionally intelligent man would come within a hundred paces of me.
I was convinced they’d see beyond all of that to the true beautiful soul that I was, and come charging through North London on their white charger, and further, that a single kiss from them would dissolve all of those glaring character defects.

Instead of attracting the right man, I attracted a lot of wrong men.

Because you see, emotionally healthy people are just not attracted to the kind of person I was.
Unhealthy men, however, found me very attractive and I had endless pointless, insincere relationships, because frankly it was better than being on my own.
However, a relationship is never going to work when two love-starved and needy individuals demand the other person ‘fix them’. I just had nothing to give. It was all about me, getting me fixed.

As I wasn’t capable of having a healthy functioning relationship, I took ‘hostages’. I grabbed on to someone and didn’t let go, no matter what I thought or felt. I was just desperate not to be alone. So any willing victim would do.

I ‘engineered’ all of my relationships. I was controlling and manipulative. Some of the men I had relationships with I cared for, but the truth was that they were never based on love. They were based on fear. Fear of:
• loneliness,
• not being loved
• being ‘left on the shelf’.
And once in the relationship, the fear was of:
• not being good enough,
• being rejected,
• having them discover who I really was.
Plain old fear. Lots of it.
I found there were plenty of emotionally messed up men, who were more than happy to engage in this warped dance. I used sex to get love, and attracted men who used love to get sex. It’s a game that men and women have been playing since time began.

Relationships in recovery can be equally hazardous, because without the security blanket of alcohol we are laid bare. We are exposed and we are most definitely frightened as hell.
Romantic relationships key into our deepest fears of not being worthy of love. We are frightened of the other person getting too close, seeing who we really are and rejecting us, thus confirming what we believed in the first place – a faulty belief, by the way.
So from the start we are unconsciously pushing the other person away and acting on this faulty belief and, in this way, we create this as our experience again and again.
And thus the faulty belief is reinforced.
It’s as though we have completely bought the fairytale, and believe true love will solve all our problems, if only we could find it. All love stories end when the couple fall in love and kiss. This is the implied solution. Everything will be perfect now because love conquers all. But this is actually when the hard work really starts, because in reality ‘our true love’ is an imperfect human being who has their own emotional baggage, just as we do.

Image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This was my pattern, and I saw it in my clients all the time.
It’s the constant illusion that love from another person will make all the bad stuff go away.
But the truth is that when you don’t love yourself, or even like yourself, it’s impossible to receive love from another person.
We either destroy that love under the weight of our insecurities and fear, or we settle for second best because we are so scared of rejection or being alone, or worse, because we believe we don’t deserve better.

Do you recognise any of this? Is this you?
Because if you do, I don’t think you are alone and if you desire a healthy, loving, successful relationship then you can achieve one.
I promise you.
Because you are worthy of love.

So start with loving yourself first, treat yourself kindly, treat yourself as you would like to be treated.
If you would like to know more about changing your relationship patterns and attracting a healthy relationship into your life. Please sign up for further blog posts on this subject.

Would you date a convicted felon?


Your immediate answer is probably no.

But I would invite you to think again after reading this because I want to tell you about my friend Sophie.
Sophie is a recovered addict and alcoholic and has been sober for 4 years.
She is:
– Kind
– Thoughtful
– Intelligent
– Curious
– Fearless
– Brave
– Strong

and funny
She is also:
a single mother of a straight A student
– a beloved daughter
– a valued colleague
– an active member of her church
– respected in her community
– appreciated neighbor
– a wonderful friend
and a convicted felon.

Sophie is the kind of person, that if you met her, you would never in a million years believe that she had been a drug addict. She is just so ‘together’. There is no one, less likely than her of committing a crime, and yet in active addiction she did.
Her addiction took her to place she thought she would never go.
Sophie accepts the consequences of her crime and understands why she was convicted for drug procession. She is sad, but not angry and very grateful to be clean and sober with a chance at rebuilding her life.
Having a conviction caused her to loose a career she loved and yet despite this she has rebuilt her life and found something else that she is good at. She now has the privilege of working with teenagers who have their own drug and alcohol problems. They listen and respect her because they sense she knows what she’s talking about.

I also need to mention she’s single* and at a point in her life where she would like to date. She tried on-line dating and enjoyed a couple of dates. Then she met someone she had some chemistry with and felt hopeful something could work out.

Then he told her he had run a background check on her.

He told her he wasn’t sure if he could continue to date someone with a criminal history. Someone who had been involved with drugs.
As Sophie is now a woman of dignity, she was able to tell him that she felt her privacy had been invaded and she no longer wished to see him.
Of course she was upset and hurt, she had been judged before he had got a chance to know the real her.

I’ve known her for 3 years and I trust her completely. It seems incredible to me that this man was small minded enough to judge her on a terrible mistake she made in her past.
For someone who has never had any experience of addiction I can understand why he would be alarmed. However, he had been out with Sophie a few times and he would have seen she clearly was no longer using any substances. If he had given her time she would have told him her story. How she used drugs and alcohol to cope with her past, to deal with feelings she couldn’t manage. That this lead her to do things she would never dream of, if she had been in her ‘right mind.’
She would have told him that one day she had a moment of clarity and desperation and made a decision to get help. That she has now been clean and sober for 4 years and her life has been transformed.
She would have told him about the disease of addiction and how she over came it and her sobriety is dependent on rigorous honesty.
Had he given her a chance, he would have realised that this was someone he could trust, who had integrity, who was fearlessly honest. Someone who was worthy of love, respect and friendship.
But he didn’t give her a chance.
He made a decision based on a snap judgement.
That poor guy.
He really, really missed out, because Sophie is sensational and when the right guy comes along and wins her heart. Boy, are they going to be lucky.

Shadow of Hand in jail by Sakhorn38 curtsy of Freedigitalphotos.net

Shadow of Hand in jail by Sakhorn38 curtsy of Freedigitalphotos.net

She is going to make a fabulous and wonderful girlfriend or wife someday. They will appreciate her journey, they will know that it takes enormous courage to overcome what she has and still be able to laugh and dance and sing. To be able to embrace everyday with joy and take every opportunity for happiness that comes her way.
And they will be very grateful she is theirs.

So I don’t want to ask you if you would date a convicted felon, your answer may still be no or maybe this post has made you see things differently. What I really want to ask you is; do you judge people on one thing from their past and who have you missed out on because you didn’t see the full picture?

*If you are an eligible bachelor (over 40), whose is intelligent, fun and non-judgemental, who enjoys life, has a positive attitude, good sense of humour, a job and their own teeth. Personal message me through Facebook and I might, just might introduce you to Sophie.