I don’t know where to start. We have come a long way, you and me.Things were great in the beginning. I had never met anyone like you. Nobody had ever made me feel the way you did. I felt special when I was with you. Full of hope, that anything was possible. Those were magical days; no thought of tomorrow, everything ahead of us, exciting and fun.
I thought it would always be like that, I thought our feelings would never change.
I never believed you could hurt me this much.
You were my world, my everything. You completed me. I felt safe with you. You touched me like no one else could. I came to rely on you. You were always there, wherever I went. Then things changed.
I kept thinking; ‘This time it will be different, it will be like the old days’. But it never was, the old days never came back. I tried so hard, but it was all so much simpler in the old days.
But you made me feel ashamed. I was scared at what I was capable of when I was with you.
I got lost in you. I couldn’t see what was really happening. I pushed my family away; my friends didn’t matter anymore, as long as I had you.
It stopped being fun a long time ago. I don’t remember when. I should have stopped seeing you then, but I couldn’t let go of the promise you made all those years ago. You promised you’d be my one and only, but you lied. You lied about everything.
I see that now; I see that everything was an illusion, that nothing you did or said was true.
How could I have been so stupid, so naive? I was never special to you, you never cared about me. You just wanted me to yourself. You didn’t care what I wanted or needed. I was just one more to you.
I didn’t think there was any further I could go down in my obsession for you, but there was always more pain, more destruction, and still I wouldn’t let go. Then I came to the jumping off place.
I saw that you would kill me. My love for you would kill me.
I had to learn to live without you.
I decided at that point, that no matter how hard it was I wanted you out of my life forever. You tried to get me back, you were close a couple of times, but finally I saw you as you really were – a liar, a thief, a soul stealer; you were never capable of love.
You never cared.
It was seeing this that gave me the power to get over you. I learnt that all the things I thought you gave me, I could get myself.
I started loving myself; I learnt that I had something to offer. Best of all, I learnt I could cope without you. I found love and connection, in different ways to the ones you offered.
What you offered was fake. Now I know what real love is, you could never come close.
It’s over now, forever. I feel repulsed when I see you. I shudder to think that I could ever have loved you, that you could have been important to me.
You disgust me.I can walk past you now and it doesn’t bother me.
I feel free. I feel whole. I can see your lies and laugh at them. You have no hold anymore. You are nothing to me.
A Recovered Alcoholic
This is an exclusive extract from my book: ‘Why you drink and How to stop: Journey to freedom.’ Available at Amazon, Barnes & Nobel and iTunes.
If you would like to share your goodbye letter to alcohol or drugs please message me.